I left home nearly a month go, to this day I still have days were I have doubts like am I good enough, am I smart enough, capable and independent, I struggle to understand who am without my parents help and support and independence on them. I wonder if I survive without them this bring a great level of uncertainty and sadden for me.

I start to worry and lose hope. I know this is all in my mind selling my short.

There are moments were I still find myself in my mind dangerously revisiting a environment were I felt less capable then other people.

In less than a month, I feel like I have gone through hell, it's worth it but really hard, it's making me stronger. I try not to think about my past and dystfunctional family.

They were my safety net and zone, they are now coming my weakness and temptation but I pefer this new life and chapther more even though for now I feel the pain which is temporary and will past.

It's hard and it's hurts alot. Sometimes and days I struggle but I knew when I start seeing more light at of the tunnel. I be a strong female and inspire to others.

 I still can't believe what I had go through by my own parents verbal abuse towards me for many many years.

I am free today to be independent adult, still struggling mental and emotionally to come to terms with the effects of the taruma caused and aftermath.

Can't trust or turn to anyone but one friend who in the same location who had my back through this new capther in my life ( I considered them apart of my family) and few friends I can phone.

Feeling so low, down and crap can't turn to family. Emotionally and mentally I feel low and broken searching for love and support, looking for medical answers.

Feel so alone and empty inside, medically exhuasted and frustrated

When I first got to my new location, I was still so scared of my parents but mainly my father control and influence over me at the stage of 24 and a beautiful, funny capable that's other sed sometimes before me, I am starting but really struggle sometimes because of the verbal insult.

I struggle with knowing my self worth and self esteem and self believe in some areas.

Never think you have to get the police involved when come to your parents in but I was living in this past shadow and cloud, fear what whqt he could still do to me and how in one way or another hurt me or come after me.

They searched my room like they were looking for drugs and alcohol, had big ears like a elephant, the word privacy and none of your business was not in their dictionary, trying to find out what I talked about with my doctor and trying influence all my decisions because they thought I could not make imformed and educated for myself and decide my friends and relationships 

They asked far too many questions without realising.

 I will never really forget what I went through and was put through in my life on a regular basis, but learn not be bother by what my parents say and never return to live with them.

I was ready for change and no looking back, wish I did it soon but can't change the past and only look at the future and make life about me and not worry about my family who don't deserve as much love as I been giving them and feeding by my time and energy for them, that's I allowed myself to give of my precious time and energy to these people when I knew I deserve them and to be surrounded by loving, good and better people.

Because I am way more and a person without them trying mold me in something that's not me but like there behaviour.

They got issues and have try so hard to  break down so many  my family relations were I felt I could not choose and say I want these people in my life by falling out with them over thinks liking money, accussing someone of being a liar influencing my decisions, hate anyone who helps and believe in what I am capable and support, talking horrible stuff about them when I was feeling vulnerable to messs with my head (their mind games).

I got the energy, headspace, support and encouragement to start doing so much what I want to do and have a enough time fir everything and some fun balance, eat and sleep and feel great because I knew why I am here on earth, given life and put here.

People expect me to fail and return back home

People think I am going fail and go back home to live with my parents in a unhealthy environment that was not good for my health because they have not seen who I be in future. I finically had no freedom or independent to level I need and want 

My parents verbal abuse has caused me a lot trauma that I am getting out and after 24 years talking and finally can start understanding process with professional help. Their  the reason for my issues, as I speak about them and open up to the right people who get it and understand what I have gone through and it's not okay

- Some of the insults

- that I have low IQ

- No one will believe you your crazy

- no one will want me after a relationship ended a little over two years ago 

- made to feel stupid, dumb

- not always liked what I cooked for the family at meal times ( the effort I put into it) if I add too much salt or sugar and was trying 

- I was fat shamed, like none of my suits will suit stuff like that and exercise felt like a chore and punish me.

- your nothing without us

- let someone else treat me badly and were fine with it.

Just some of the insults above

I had no feeling, enjoy just felt numb, hopeless really depressed and heading down or looking at suicidal in next few months or years, I wanted a way out but could not see one, was so tired and close to giving up

 to do nothing all day, star in to thin air, watch tv, YouTube, play games, eat sometimes, sleep every day was the same

Do they really care

 I made it's a week so far, I will approve the people who doubt me  wrong and you will respect me or won't be in my life if you can't love me and support my decisions, I don't have the  time and energy it's take for people that's don't appreciate and encourage me to grew and take every opportunity.

It's their lose, I knew I can achieve so much in life now, have purpose, follow my love and what I enjoy and am good at.

They lost that right to care and worry about me, it's too late I felt my parents took me for grant, didn't and could respect me as a young capable independent strong adult ( female).

It's feel all fake and just a formality on top like the surface from the outside but it's does not feel real and genuine. I was really struggling with my mental wellbeing while home and had a relationship two years ago that's was not  working.

I needed a break (a holiday before) and  a fresh start.

They lost my respect. I don't want them  in my life and trying to find out information about my life through others. They don't get boundaries.

I am adult and can survive without my parents. Their love was too much. They don't realize to change.

I don't need them as much or at all. I am capable adult with a bright future with so many great things and opportunities that I have or create for myself, I feel strong enough to do anything.

It's all talk but they do nothing to change they just want you back home to control. They don't listen. I am better off without and working hard to be successful

So self asborbed

 My parents didn't realise what they were doing and saying was not okay and hurt to change or realise how it's made me feel being put down on a regular basis.

They didn't always like my efforts when cooking and fat shamed, never told my cousins off living in the same house, let this horrible guy in my past life treated me with no or little respect.

When I was trying to be the perfect child, their through dad's health issues I felt like not one appericate, didn't realy say thankyou.

I was often compared to my sisters and made to feel stupid, told I have no IQ but encourage to invest and ask for help with computer and phone issues.

I could use youtube to find a new recipe (love anything about food) or instructions to use soething and make it's work

Long overdue best decision

I feel so free, a weight of my shoulders for the time in my life or a long time, I can breathe and relax.

I have more clafity and energy to do stuff, go for walj

Explain what the problem was now to the people who love me and knew I am smart and capable and listen how I feel and care, worry about me.

I can not going back. I was ready for change but my parents love and supportive was sucofarocating insupportable. 

I didn't knew how and needed help and support from some other people other then my parents

I didn't knew how to show the world who I was as a person.

There thought this one guy behaviour towards me was okay.

They turn my eye on how bad I was struggling and trying tell them.

Insult verbally and fat shamed me.

They can't be in my life atm.

I hate them and have no respect fir them because they didn't back.

They lost my respect via their own actions and b

Low strandard set for respect by parent's relationship

My mum worked so hard in the family business, to this day she still ask dad for money, she is dad other half and was dad driving force in the business towards the end but was treated like a farm worker.

Dad 12 years older then mum he was struggling with the work on the vineyard, mum kept it going it's the only career she knew for her married life in the middle of nowhere that she had signed up for after marriage when she landed in Australia, knew nothing better.

Mum in a few ways was too good for dad,  she let him walk over us without talking back. Mum not like Dad's ex wife.

Mum was a teacher in India, we had a car accident in December 2014.

Dad made her feel so guilty about it, instead of being a supportive and understanding husband.

Mum lost her bother a few months later.

Dad is just ruthless to see other people pain.

Parents needs earn the title

Karma come back to haunt you, it's will make you sick, if your a decent human behaviour the guilt will eat you , you will rotten in hell, to that person you hurt you will be dead to them, they never want to talk to you.

They will get to a point they will not feel sorry for you, They will get sick of your shit, of being put down, letting you keeping hurting them time after time, everyone got a limit of how shit they can take.

When they leave they will feel better and never want to look back at  the pain you caused them and for making their life a living hell, the trauma, years of abuse, insults.

They can either turn to drugs and alcohol because they have the means without realising they have a  problem or do something about it and help others after what they have been through and use it to make a into a career for themselves and talk about it in healing and creative outlet.

My dad had made mum is door mat, I could see myself becoming independent on him it's scared me, I was getting so mentally tired to fight, I start thinking if I think about giving up, it's would be a lose of a young life that was so capable of greatness but was being told by their own father that she was literally worthless.

 I was so close to the edge, dad and mum kept pushing me to breaking point, they knew how to keep trying to tear me, destroy me as person ( my soul and personality, values, and morals, my ethics)

I was not  sleeping and completely exhausted from literally doing nothing every single day, it's was not living, it's was not  productive and functioning. 

I literally could not concentration, I kept starring at the laptop but was completely blank on what I was doing or focusing on, 

It's would take me ages to do something so simple, it's made me frustrated me, my mind was in it own word, I was getting so mentally distract from what I was doing online or trying.

The trying for everything got tiring, I could  not explain how I felt to a trusted family member or friend, Everyone knew my parents as angels and saints that are seen as perfect and could not do anything wrong, no one knew them  like the very few people who live with him, who saw them very day, his behaviour, his controlling, it's does not let grew and find yourself as a person and young adult. 

I thought my half sisters will get what our father true colours were like and we could have  a strong close knitted bond were we could say we are family without our father,  I want it so badly a relationship with them badly, hoping they would get it.

But realised sometimes your own family are a hopeless waste of the word family, blood is not family but the people you choose to make it of.

I had no respect for my father, I start hating him knew one got it, they only saw his love for me, it's was so toxic and unhealthy, overprotective and barely.

As a young adult in Australia, I grew in  the western culture and knew I was smart and intelligent but didn't believe because of what my father feed in my head ( his own child) what fuck, who fucking hell does that, why bring a child is the world then, it's does not make sense, years of IVF.

A dad has   to   learn his title and show love and supportive no matter what career the child choose or do.

He wanted to improve I was stupid and need him in my life, that I was nothing without him.

and would not mount to anything I could be proud and feel good 

I felt sorry for my mum, mum absolutely loves dad, she is blinded, we had no mother daughter relationship . She had no life without dad, language barriers, confidence, no bank card etc

She was a grown woman who made it's clear she choose her own husband more, listen to him and respect him ( even if it's was unhealthy) over her only  child (her daughter) that she had go thought years of fail attempts of fertility treatment to have me.

but their was no mother daughter connection or bond, dad could mentally take his toll on mum.

They don't deserve me feeling  sorry for them.

I am fine now but I can not be around them anymore for my mentally insanity, it's made me sick and think there was something medically wrong when it's is just stressed creating more problems I don't need.

My body and mind it's didn't want to feel like that anymore and have a life worth living. I don't ever want to live that pain and hurt again.

I am angry, I felt they tried to brainwash me and manipulate, control me, be overprotective.

For so long I had made that connection and associated that they  are parents and deserve my time and energy.

I am not making this up and it's hurts when you think and say I am

 I have a medical condition, I am not making it up, I knew that something is the issue and problem, it's insulting and hurts, when I am told that their nothing wrong with me, being told that I am doing these involuntary movements and actions on purpose, when you say this, it's stress me out and upset me a lot and make these movements that are out of my control, become worse and they are starting to drive  me crazy.

This is not fun, it's physically hurt my body, I can feel the stress, pain, tension in my body, neck and back, jaw, this is miserable and so hard waiting to find out what the hell wrong, so I can give people a answer to why this happens, a name, a diagnosis, stick it to this person who think that I am doing this purpose and that it's  possibly a medical condition that is causing these movements. 

How can I respect you, when I feel no support from you, understanding, you just don't get it, if you don't get it or it's just too much for you, if it's just  complicated for you, that is fine,                    BUT

I don't appreciated and need your remarks, you just make someone feel worse and crap, you knew what to say, how to piss someone off, to emotionally and mentally hurt someone with your words, when they already feel down, you knew how to destroy people with your words 

I haven't got my head around this medical condition, I am sorry that I don't have a medical answer for you, but it's would be really nice if we could figure this out together, but I knew that this is too much to ask from you and expect. 

When I tell you that this is real and I am not making this up, I feel that you don't listen and we just end up fighting, urging, you start thinking about what the neighbour will think and say and how it's could be embarrassing for you and that's these movements are something I am choosing to do and is like a bad habit.

Your supposed to be my father, I supposed to respect you as my father, especially in the Indian culture, watch my language and not talk back to you but it's is completely okay when you say some horrible and terrible stuff.

A lot people tell me not to speak to you like this, that your my father, 

you give me your love, support, understanding and show me that you can walk with me, hold my hand and help me thought something so difficult in my life, our relationship will be so much when come to this matter.

You have such funny way off showing your love, being over protective, not seeing what someone is capable of doing and achieving but seeing  what they can't do.

Dad, I have no control over this, it's is not easy to not to think about how this will effect my life (to not start thinking negatively), focus and be remind of my flaws, issues and problems, if it's will take my independent way,  I hope not because that would make my life unbearable. I don't want to have to dependent and rely on someone else to be of assist.

When I start to think negatively, I feel so trapped and stuck by what happening in everyone else life's (a sense of jealously that no matter how hard I try to see the positive, look and focus on what I can still do and be grateful, I am doubting myself and asking if I am good enough to do something that do justice to me and show what I am capable.

I hope that's there a answer for this and that's this can be medicated and treated and  I reclaim my life and gain control, because I don't see myself under yours and mum's roof for the rest of my life, your personality make it's miserable and depressing to live in the same household as you, you make it's feel like your the boss and have the final say or that your no is something that's can't be challenged or questioned.

I will probably have to take medication to help and control the symptoms, but that my choice and decision not yours. we see things very differently when come to medication that is okay  because were from two different worlds, our understanding, awareness, education around and about different illnesses is not the same, were simply on different levels and that's make us disagree.

My General Practitioner is not quite sure what it's is, so it's a impatient waiting game until my neurologist appointment next month ( the doctor who referred me to get a ECG, to get the results).

But I am not sorry for my strong personality and what look like talking back but I call it  standing up for myself and a strong voice.